Portrait of Christ

I ordered a portrait of Christ from Jenny Fowler Art which I fell in love with because of the love in His eyes.  I was just looking at this picture and had a train of thought that I wanted to write down.  You see, I have a very personal relationship with Jesus, and everyone can have a personal relationship with Him.  I have this personal, strong, loving relationship with Christ because of the trials that I have gone through in my life with have drawn me closer to my Savior.  I have grown up with the knowledge of my Savior and been taught since birth of His love, his Atonement, sacrifice and resurrection.  However, it was not until I was 16 that I really had my beliefs tested and tried for the first time.  You see at 16 I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and my world essentially was flipped upside down.  It was my diagnosis that I came to a point in my life where I had to either choose to accept this new life or I could be miserable and complain about why this happened to me.  Now I will never say that I this choice was something that I made in one day and that I still do not have to make the choice every day to find happiness and joy with my circumstances.  However, it was at this time that I know I could have easily lost my faith and chose to deny the existence of God.  While I had my moments of shouting, crying, and complaining it was when I turned to the scriptures and hymns that I found comfort.  From hymns of solace I turned to scriptures referenced in the hymns and began to dive into studying the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  It was at this time I learned and gained a deep understanding and testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I finally understood not just that the Atonement made it possible that we can repent of our sins but that our Savior also suffered for every pain and trial we have and will ever go through.  Diabetes had caused me to feel so alone because no one could understand how I felt and feel each and every day with this disease.  It is so personal and different for everyone.  However, I came to realize that my Savior understood perfectly exactly how I felt and feel, that He suffered the pain of every poke, insulin injection, the awful helpless feeling of blood sugar that can be a roller coaster ride and hard to manage at times and frustration of living with such a disease that can leave me with no energy or bring me to such tears of pain, anguish and frustration.  For all the moments that I wanted to give up, I learned that by turning to my Savior I could get through even the hardest day.  I learned to simply ask for help and comfort and my burden was made lighter, I had a hand around my back helping me to walk this hard path.  It is in looking at this portrait of Jesus that I see the love in His eyes that I feel each day, with each prayer or time of trial.  I could not not have this portrait because it so perfectly illustrates how I picture Jesus Christ.

I was also thinking about how my diagnosis came at the perfect time in my life, because after this incredibly hard trial that changed my life forever and truly strengthened my testimony of my Savior and the gospel and Jesus Christ; I was tested in ways that I don't know I could have weathered without having already had to strengthen my testimony.  As an example, my senior year of high school was incredibly fun but I also had a lot of spiritual and emotional trials.  I had a great group of friends, however from these friends I had a couple who told me that I was going straight to Hell because I was Mormon.  I had a boyfriend for 3 months and we broke up essentially because I was Mormon and that placed too much difference between us.  I had so many people who were close friends bash my beliefs that year.  I will say that my great group of friends did include several Mormon girls and I was not the only one being told that I was going straight to Hell, but it still is something that I know having already had my testimony tried the year before, I was able to get through that trying time and still remain close friends with most of those people.  

I will never say that Diabetes is my only trial, or that by getting through that hard time of accepting my diagnosis and strengthening my testimony made it so the rest of my life was easy.  If anything my life probably got harder.  Satan does not give up on us when we are trying harder to draw close to Jesus and Heavenly Father, if anything he only tempts us more and works harder to pull us to him.  What I really want everyone, including myself and my kids, to know is that you should never give up.  Our Savior suffered for every sin, every trial, every emotional, mental and physical challenge we will ever go through so we do not have to go through those trials alone.  All we have to do is ask for His help and he will walk that road with us so we never have to be alone as He was in the Garden or on the cross.  Jesus Christ loves each and every one of us.  Our Heavenly Father loves each of us, which is why He sent his Son to teach, suffer and die for us so we can all return to Him and have the best champion stand by our sides through every trial life can and will throw at us.  

Where did the year go? 2017 review

Where has the past year gone?!  I remember when 2016 was ending that I was sure 2017 would be much calmer. After all, Brad and I were finished with school, Nate was a baby and Tacy was in preschool and preparing for kindergarten. Goodness, I feel like no matter how much we plan, life never follows the straight road I thought.it.would. Last year Brad started working at Novant Orthopaedics in Winston-Salem. We bought a house in Wonderland, moved, put Tacy on a new preschool to finish out the school year. I started working part time at Novant on the ICU, which was an experience since I had originally been hired to work on the ICU, IMC and Medical floors. After getting settled, Brad was miserable at his job because of his long hours and broken promises from what he had been hired to do. We visited family in Utah and Brad saw a job opening for an orthopaedic position in Bountiful. He applied, interviewed, and was offered a job within the week we were visiting.  After prayer and fasting, we decided it was best for our family to sell our house and move across the country so we could be closer to family. 

We moved in August, I started working on an ICU right away, Tacy turned 5 the day she and Brad arrived with all our stuff. We lived with my in-laws for 4 weeks before moving into our townhouse.  Tacy started half day kindergarten (seriously, it's so ridiculous they don't do full day) and Brad started working at his new job.  Nate turned 1 and we went to southern California for Thanksgiving with all of my mom's side of the family. It was great to see my siblings, cousins and grandparents. My grandma has dementia that has advanced so quickly in one year that she now does not recognize her family members and repeats the same phrase over and over. Brad and my 10 year anniversary was the day after Thanksgiving, so we were able to sneak away for dinner and ice cream. Oh and I did turn 30 in May. That really was the our year. 5 W2s for taxes between my 3 different jobs amd Brad's 2, we bought and sold a house, moved twice and spent time with family. 

With this new year I am hoping that we can weather any storm and focus on the positive. "Come What May And love it" has become my mantra as of late. I tend focus on the negative and always look to the other side thinking about how much happier it would be if.... So I am trying to keep a gratitude journal, enjoy time with my kids, and spend quality time with my husband. 

Anxiety, Moving and Moana

Can I just say that life has been crazy?  Starting this year, I had thought I was going to get so much done before I went back to work, before Brad started working, before we moved....Here it is down to 8 days until we move and I am just now setting up my eye exam, never made it to the dentist, and am hopefully going to be going to the temple tomorrow if Tacy is feeling better.

So what has happened you ask, well, LIFE.  The main things were of course taking care of two kids, Brad taking and passing the PANCE, leaving the kids for a week so Brad and I could go on a cruise to celebrate finishing grad school and my BSN, house hunting, Brad starting work, and packing.  

Brad and I did love our cruise, we happened to go in the wake of the big storm that hit the east coast, so the ocean in the Caribbean was choppy most of the cruise.  Needless to say we did not snorkel in St. Thomas and I froze trying to do as many water slides as I could handle while freezing at Atlantis. St. Thomas and St. Marten are beautiful, but the Bahamas were not my favorite (I've head Nassau is much better on a nice day, not such a cold, overcast, windy day).    

Brad had a very frustrating time waiting for all of his licensing to be processed so he could start working, NC's med board was moving very slow.  We went and looked at 13 houses in 5 hours one day, with both kids in tow, and really impressed our realtor, Ashley.  What can we say, we know what we like.  We signed for a house a few days later and will be closing in less than a week.  

While I started going to back to work with no issues, other than feeling more sleep deprived than normal since I have a baby, the real craziness began when Brad started working.  For the past 3 weeks Brad has been living with friends and working Monday-Friday, then coming home Friday night - Sunday night.  I have been working mostly weekends so I only have to get help with the kids a few nights these past weeks.  Other than a few hours between working and sleeping on weekends, Brad and I don't see each other, which has been hard.  We talk on the phone every day, we discuss the woes of working, how everything with the house is going, whether Tacy is behaving well enough to see Lego Batman, and what to pack next.  I pack during the week and Brad packs when he is home.  

Now that we are down to one week to go, I'm really feeling my anxiety level kicking up.  I feel like there is so much still to do, so much to clean, and so much that I cannot do until the last day.  That's when I realized that my work schedule was not going to work, because I had agreed to work Tuesday and Wednesday night, with us moving Friday.  Haha, sometimes I don't think things through.

So I have dropped a shift, relied heavily on friends to help me get sleep when I can, and just trying to keep calm because I can only do so much.  I hate that most everything has to be saved until the last minute.  While I am a procrastinator at heart, I've learned how bad procrastination is for my anxiety, so now I try to get everything done early.  Having to wait to pack the kitchen, the bathroom, etc. until right before we move is killing me.  Just like having to wait to clean until right before we leave is killing me.  I keep thinking about what I could clean now that would actually stay clean...and so far I have only come up with blinds maybe.  So frustrating.  Needless to say I have been eating a lot of Reese's eggs, the white chocolate ones, because they help my anxiety and nerves haha.  

Making her valentine's box with tape and paper because all other craft stuff was packed

I'm really hoping I get help from ladies at church to help clean my apartment so it doesn't take so long.  Brad is going to be with the movers moving everything to the new house, while I will be cleaning like crazy with two kids.  I will get through it all, and probably eat a Cook Out Shake when it is all said and done.  In the mean time, I pack a little, sometimes a lot when the packing bug really bites me, and Tacy and I have been watching and singing to Moana a lot.  We love this movie, which is why I went to Walmart early Tuesday morning to buy it.  I just prefer to sleep through the crab part/song, but we love everything else.  Tacy is learning that movies are not real, just stories.  Brad apparently has been teaching her this, so Tacy loves to tell me.  Better she learn now so she doesn't fear seeing Ta'ka (a lava monster) when we go to the beach. 

Life as a Neat Freak

Having guests over has carded me to realize how much of a neat freak I can be. I've always known that I have some OCD tendencies like how I can't stand an unfolded blanket that isn't being used. However after having so many people over since Nate has been born, I realized I really hate messes.

I realize that life is messy, nothing is ever picture perfect or goes perfectly. But one thing I can control is how clean my house is. Yes I have children who constantly make messes, but Tacy is pretty good at cleaning up downstairs at least and I can choose her bedroom door. Haha I do find that I get tired of waiting for her or Brad to pick something up and well just do it for them. It's bad, I just have no patience sometimes. And when I'm mad or frustrated, cleaning helps, so I'll clean the bathrooms, scrub the kitchen, sweep, clean baseboards....and Brad tells Tacy to just stay out if my way.

The other day I was looking for something and ended up cleaning out/organizing 4 bins and my bedside table. It felt good to get rid of junk and feel more organized.

My inner neat freak was so bad this Christmas that the tree was out tree door two days after Christmas (I usually insist on keeping it up until January). With the new track for Mate's hot wheels taking up half our living room, I was tired of stumbling over it in the nudge if the night. Since the hot wheels helps to put Nate to sleep when we are desperate, the track stays and the tree was out. Haha that is a testament to our desperation!

Now my room is not perfect by anymeans, but I'm hopeful that when we move we don't have to have so much stuff packed into our room. Also don't check my tub or fridge because I've always hated to clean tubs and fridges! Haha I'm just trying to accept my neat freak self and keep a level head with all the craziness of living in a home with more people then myself. That's why on instagram I'm always posting my kids, we aren't perfect and I don't attempt to stage anything. I just have my crazy family who I always love (although we don't always like each other) and want to remember the craziness.

How we survived this crazy year

I've been thinking about this past year and all that has happened. It has been a very busy year, a lot of good things have happened and at the same time I think it has been one of the hardest years if not the hardest year for us.

Brad had PA rotations all year, which involved changing locations, settings, and hours every 5 weeks. Brad got pneumonia in January and I caught pneumonia in February while I was coaching volleyball for the young women at church. Then I changed from my boring office nurse job with a nice predictable schedule to a challenging job as a floor nurse working nights at the hospital. I also was pregnant and taking my online classes to complete my bachelor's in nursing ( I would never recommend anyone do ask that I did because it was insane). Tacy started preschool and played soccer, I finished my BSN a week before Nate arrived via c section because he was a tank. Then Brad gradauted from Campbell with his Masters off Physician Assistant Practice while Nate spent 6 days in the hospital with RSV.

Yea, a crazy year. I am proud for Brad finishing school, I'm happy we survived our insanse crazy schedules and feel so blessed for our friends who have helped watch Tacy. I'm so glad to be done with my BSN and we are so happy to have Nate as a part of our family. I'm grateful we had family in town while Nate was in the hospital so I never had to worry about Tacy, even though I wish wet could have all spent the time all together I know that is what we needed.

During an interview to renew my temple recommend the stake counselor asked me how the Savior and his atonement have helped me during my rough pregnancy (I was 30 something weeks pregnant). I became rather emotional but it was very easy for me to say that I received help every single day. I told him how I know that there was no way I could have possibly done all that I did alone and how the knowledge that my Savior is there to help me through all my trials and that I wasn't alone helped me get through each day, struggle and trial. Now thinking about this whole year I can say the same thing. I know that we made it through each rotation, class, test, illness etc. because Jesus was helping us. I have a strong testimony of the Atonement and how our Savior perfectly knows and understands each and everyone of our trials, tribulations, illnesses, and burdens. He doesn't just perfectly know how feel or what we are going through, but he is also there waiting for us to just ask him to help us get through what we have before us. I know that with Christ we can do all things.

I am very grateful for the Christmas season which helps us to remember and ponder on the importance of Jesus's birth and life and how this affects our lives today. I'm grateful for the opportunities I have to teach my children about Jesus. Tacy always asks me when Easter is because on her head it should come right after Christmas. She's funny but we have talked a lot about how Christ's birth is so important because he lived, taught, healed and then suffered for every sin, trial, and pain and died on the cross only to then be resurrected so that we can all live again.

This has all just been heavy on my mind this month and now as I think over this past year. It probably helps that I have been reading historical fiction series set during Jesus's 3 years of ministry. I also have wondered some about what kind of baby/toddler Jesus was while holding and bouncing my fussy reflux baby (not that that is important).

Anyways, it has been a good year, a very busy, stressful and trying year for which I am happy to have it behind me. I'm excited for what the new year brings with Brad taking his licensing exam, new jobs and moving, as well as Tacy starting kindergarten (holy cow how did that happen!).  It all sounds exciting but also lots of changes for which I am glad I can continue to pray for help.

Breastfeeding

After reading a couple different stories, I thought I should share my trials with breastfeeding.  You see, before having kids I always assumed/planned on breastfeeding.  It is what my mother did, the "natural way" to feed a baby and what experts all agree is the best way to feed a baby, not to mention the cheapest way to feed a baby.  

Well I had Tacy 5 days before I started nursing school.  Being diabetic, the nurses had to check Tacy's blood sugar regularly to make sure she was high enough.  As a new mom, my milk supply was slow to come, so Tacy had to receive formula supplement starting in the hospital to help her get food to help keep her blood sugar at good levels.  Then at home, I continued to try to breastfeed.  I had bought a breast pump in prep for nursing school and would nurse her every morning and then pump before going to school.  At school the only real time I had to pump was lunch (which also meant I had to eat really quick).  Then I would try to breastfeed and pump at home.  No matter what, I never produced enough milk to keep Tacy full, she always was hungry after breastfeeding and needed formula.  One Saturday I remember Brad suggested I try to just breastfeed Tacy, so I did and was breastfeeding her every hour, so literally I spent the whole day breastfeeding.  It was exhausting and I obviously was not satisfying her.

Other then nursing school, another thing against me was that as I quit working when I had Tacy so I could go to school, my health insurance changed to Brad's and that company did not cover the same nursing specialists I had seen in the hospital.  Plus, I never had time to go talk with lactation specialists with my school schedule.  Needless to say, after 2 months my doctor and I agreed that I had given it my best try and that just giving Tacy formula at that time was perfectly fine.  I was fortunate to have a great doctor who really helped me not feel like a failure when I could not feed my daughter.  I had so many people at school tell me about how successful they were at breastfeeding, so it easily could have made me feel depressed to not be able to feed my daughter.  With the support of my doctor and husband, Tacy was just given formula for the rest of her first year of life.  And guess what, she is a healthy 4-year-old.

Having Nate, I really hoped that by actually having maternity leave I would be able to not be so stressed and have a good chance at breastfeeding.  However, having a c-section and Nate going straight to the NICU for 5 days really slowed everything down.  I didn't get to hold Nate for 2 days, which meant no skin-to-skin contact which can really help to stimulate milk production.  Also, I had had no breast changes the whole time I was pregnant.  The lactation consultant and nurses were all really nice and helped get me set up with pumps so I could try to get my supply going, but I never could get much milk.  Nate had a doctor appointment 2 days after discharging from the hospital (he was week old) and the lactation consultant told me to focus on trying to get my milk supply to come in by pumping every 2 hours.  Meanwhile, Nate being the big boy that he was needed to eat every 3 hours and was eating 2 oz at each feeding.  

Let me tell you what, pumping every 2 hours was exhausting, frustrating and depressing.  I was supposed to be calm and relaxed but I was stressed and upset and had to keep leaving my son to go pump.  I felt like I was not spending any time with him and with all the pumping I never got more than 1 oz (30 mls) of breastmilk in 24 hours.  When doing the math, this was at most 1/16th (closer to 1/24th by that time) of what Nate ate in a day.  So when we returned to the pediatrician 2 days later, she looked at me and said "Some people just are not able to breast feed." She was very kind to me, which is nice because I feel so many doctors and specialists can really push breast feeding.  My mom was with me and I felt really pressured by her to not give up.  So I met with the lactation specialist again.  When she heard what I had been doing and the little results I was having, she was also very nice.  She told me that formula has come a long way, that she was a formula fed baby, Tacy was formula fed and healthy, and that this was not a bad option.  When my mom discussed other things that could be tried, the specialist told me that it was my decision.  That I could continue to pump every 2 hours and try drinking tea to stimulate milk production, or I could choose to spend more time with my baby.  Needless to say, I chose to spend more time with my son.  So yes, I gave up breastfeeding by the time Nate was 2 weeks old.  I was told that having a c-section and needing to get blood really inhibited my ability to produce milk, but I also think that my body just is not cut out to produce milk.  

Brad told me, "Maybe you are a meat cow, not a milk cow".  Needless to say, I feel that we need to be supportive of whatever way a woman can feed her child.  Not every woman can breastfeed or breastfeeding does not always work best for a family situation.  I think the fact that a mother/parent is trying to feed their child and help them grow is what is important, not the manner in which they do it.   We need to support each other in our efforts as parents to care for our children and not shame parents for the choices they make.

Nate

I have officially been a mother of two children for 3 weeks.  It is a little crazy, but thankfully our family is doing well.  I just wanted to write down my thoughts and experiences from Nate's birth because it was a completely different experience than Tacy's.

Nate had been measuring big since he was 28 weeks and after having Tacy at 37 weeks 2 days and weighing 8 lbs, I kept pushing my doctors to let me have Nate at 37 weeks as well.  The doctors I have been seeing here in NC have been more hesitant and kept stressing how size is not important because they can always do a c-section.  However, I was also struggling to keep my blood sugar well controlled as well, so finally Maternal Fetal Medicine gave the ok to have me induced at 37 weeks.  Then it became a matter of if it was safe to have a vaginal delivery or if I should have a c-section.  Between 36 and 37 weeks I had three ultrasounds which all measured Nate at being 9 lbs 10-14oz.  Due to my small size, my increased risk for having a baby with shoulder dystocia (because babies of diabetics tend to store more fat on their shoulders), and his big size I decided to play it safe and have a c-section.  This was a hard decision for me because surgery is terrifying, not because I don't trust modern medicine, but I know the healing process is longer and harder and being diabetic I tend to heal slower.  

After many prayers and a blessing, Brad and I went to the hospital Wednesday, October 26th for a c-section.  Luckily my mom flew in the night before so she could take care of Tacy and Brad had his board review that week which his school was nice enough to stream online so he could watch it while being with me.  I was having bad/painful contractions while waiting to go in for surgery and lying on the gurney was so uncomfortable.  I was so happy when I finally got rolled in at 11:30 and received my spinal block.  Goodness that was heavenly, it kicked in immediately and the numbness/lack of pain was miraculous.  The nurses were so nice and helpful, talking calmly and explaining everything to me.  I have watched c-sections in nursing school so needless to say it was not fun to know what was happening, but from the spinal and my blessing I was calm and ready.  

Now for c-sections they drape the abdominal cavity to keep a sterile field and then they pull up part of the drape so the mom cannot see what is happening.  Thank goodness the nurse anesthetist paid close attention to me because a lot of times the drape kept getting into my face.  I was given a nasal cannula for oxygen and they had my arms strapped down (I guess some people get wild).  I really couldn't move and I was so numb I did not feel like I could.  My doctor would tell me what she was doing or what to expect such as pressure from them pulling.  I remember hearing her say she had a gusher, I'm guessing from my amniotic fluid which had been measuring high for a few weeks, and then being told I would feel pressure as they pulled out Nate.  Then everyone kept talking about his big head and how big he was.  The pressure was not much at all and after a few minutes, a nurse showed Nate to me before taking him to clean him up and give him his vaccines.  Brad left with Nate while I got sewn/cleaned up.  Then as I was wheeled out of the OR to go the PACU, a NICU doctor came and showed me Nate real close so I could kiss him and explained that he needed oxygen to keep his oxygen saturation above 90% so he was going up to the NICU.  

In the PACU (post anesthesia care unit) my numbness was monitored.  My nurse would ask me to try to wiggle my toes and it was the weirdest feeling to know that my brain was telling my toes to move, my legs to move, etc. to to feel that the message was not being relayed as nothing was happening.  I just had to laugh.  I also felt like my legs were spread wide, when in fact they were straight and flat on the table.  My nurse explained that it is probably because the spinal kicked in when I had been getting my foley placed.  Anyways, I was there for a while, an endocrinologist came and talked to me about changes to make to my pump settings, and then I was taken to the Mother baby unit.  My PACU nurse did take me by the NICU first to see Nate in his space helmet before taking me to my room.  I stayed numb for a good 4 hours before I started to feel again.  Working in the hospital, I learned quickly that Mother baby is very different, on my floor we do hourly rounding, at mother baby I felt I would only see my nurse if I asked for something.  But Brad went home and brought my mom and Tacy to come see me.  Because of flu season, Tacy could not go see Nate in the NICU.  

I was in the hospital for 4 days total, Nate was in the NICU for 5 days.  The pain from the c-section was not fun since you use your abdominal muscles for so many movements.  I had great nurses and aids take care of me. I had my foley removed at 4 am that first night, then I had to deal with pain from pressure of a full bladder, gas, etc.  Even now I still can be very sensitive to increased pressure in my abdomen.  I had to move slowly and the first day of surgery I just sat up to the side of bed, the next day I got up to stand and use the bathroom with some help.  My second day I showered.  The second day after surgery was when I was feeling light headed and found out my blood levels were really low (Hgb 6.8 and Hct 19.3), so after my OB rounded on me I was given 3 units of blood.  The frustrating part was that this was the first day Nate was no longer under the helmet and was only on a nasal cannula, so we could actually hold him.  I had to wait until that evening, when I had finished receiving all my blood, before I could go up to see him.  The NICU was on the third floor and my room was on the second, so I had always gone to the NICU with someone as I was taken in a wheelchair.  I think the 3rd day was the first time I walked back from the NICU in the morning pushing my wheelchair.  It was crazy because I felt like I was walking a lot, but after being discharged Sunday and walking from my room, to the pharmacy to the car, I was exhausted!  

I learned quickly while in the hospital that I really did need to stay on top of my pain medication so that I could move without pain.  I had to continue taking my pain medicine for 2 weeks before I felt like I would be fine with only occasional ibuprofen.  Mostly now, I just have incisional pain/irritation.  The skin hates having anything rub it, which is tricky since it is right where my pants and every normally ride.

When people ask me about my delivery or my experiences of having a c-section I say that I'm glad my first was vaginal.  Tacy was a relatively easy, uncomplicated delivery.  As the mother you are more involved in a vaginal delivery because you see everything and I had more feeling even with an epidural so I still knew when to push.  Since Tacy had been healthy, she was given to me right away for bonding and skin-to-skin.  This time around, goodness I could not imagine doing a c-section as a brand new mom.  You are so disconnected from the birthing process, I mean seriously, they could have been doing anything and I would have been unaware.  Then because Nate needed oxygen and had to go to the NICU, that was so rough for me because I was in the hospital because I had a baby, but my baby could not be with me.  Once he was on a nasal cannula it was better because I could go and hold him, but it was so hard watching him and only being able to touch him while he was under the hood.  Because of his breathing issues (low oxygen saturation without supplementation and fast respiration rate), Nate had to receive IV fluids to keep his blood sugar at good levels.  Then he was given an NG tube to help him eat because sucking was hard with his fast breathing rate.  When his breathing slowed and he was weaned off oxygen, then he had to be weaned off the IV fluid and increase his oral feedings.  He did this all pretty quickly, oh and he had to have 24 hours of being on a bilirubin blanket as his levels were high one morning.  I am grateful he was doing so well and only in the NICU for 5 days.

I am glad that I had a c-section because there is no way I would have been able to birth a 10.5 lb baby without horrible complications for us both.  I am grateful for the many doctors, nurses and aids who took care of Nate and I.  I will be forever grateful that I had Tacy vaginally so I could have that experience with my first baby.